Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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