i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
