Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
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I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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