I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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