I can't watch pbs sober anymore
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
