I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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