so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
