We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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