so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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