you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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