you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize