I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
