I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
