Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
