Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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