I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
