he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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