So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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