I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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