True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
