A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Randomize
