We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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