1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
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Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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