Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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