She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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