Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sext me about skeletons
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
