I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
