I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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