The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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