My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
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i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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