Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
