i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
