please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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