and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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