im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
BRING THE BAGELS
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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