My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
