I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
