Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
