I hate your face
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
