You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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