What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
