I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
