found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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