Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
