I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
