And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
