I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
