i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
