I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
