Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
