the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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