You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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