96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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