4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
