I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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